Dissociation is often a defense mechanism. It acts as an escape for the brain when the body itself cannot. It can be increased stress, trauma, or something else entirely that can trigger it. Often times it's helpful to the person experiencing it. But when it's no longer necessary, you'll soon see why this coping skill is something rather important to unlearn...
I breathed an exhausted sigh as I sat down on the bench on the far wall of the subway station. The seat felt cold, almost making me question if I sat in something wet. But after the exhausting day I've had, I couldn't care less. The air smelled of cigarette smoke, body odor, and cheap cologne. The smell wasn't quite so pungent today. There are some days where the smell almost burns your eyes just to exist around.
As I waited for the train, my brain was about ready to check out for the day. There wasn't much to keep my brain occupied enough to keep me mentally intact. I could feel myself starting to zone out. The world around me had vanished almost completely. In its place was my childhood bedroom, my toys scattered about the floor. I could feel myself reaching for one when I heard a voice behind me. It was my mom. She was furious.
"Why are you like this?!" she cried as she gathered my things in her arms with a swiftness that could only be described as enraged. I wanted to cry and tell her I was sorry for the mess but she didn't care. "I look away for 10 minutes and you already trashed your room," she shouted. "I can't even trust you to be alone for two damn seconds!"
At this point, tears were rolling down my cheeks. She had a bunch of my toys gathered and was about to throw them back in the toy chest but stopped short. "What's the point," she said softly, disappointment and a hint of sadness in her voice. "As soon as I clean all this up you're going to do the exact same thing."
"I won't!" I wanted to shout, but I was too young at the time. "I'll keep it clean for you, I promise!"
She sighed and walked out of the room, my toys in her hands.
I followed her close behind, crying as I did. I followed her to her bedroom, where she found an empty cardboard box and dropped the toys inside.
"You can have these back when you learn to behave!" she shouted. "Now go to your room and clean the rest of it! I better not see anything else on that floor when I go back in there!"
With tears welling in my eyes, I made my way back to my room, crying and moaning loudly as I did so. I gathered up my toys and one by one, put them all back in my toy chest. It looked so empty...
I felt a presence in the room with me and turned to face the bedroom door, believing it to be my mom.
There, standing before me was a middle-aged woman I didn't recognize. Her hair was matted and messy, as if she hadn't had a shower in weeks. Her clothes looked tattered with patches of dirt scattered about. Who was this woman and how did she get in my bedroom?!
I tried to cry out for my mom but no sound could escape my lips. It was like a nightmare where I was trapped inside my own body, unable to move or hide or scream. My heart pounded against my chest as the woman stepped closer, a crazed look in her eye, like she was wielding a knife and getting ready to strike.
I tried to back away, tried to shout again, but was unable to do anything but watch with intense fear in my eyes. And the closer she stepped the more horrifying her face became, twisting into something that looked far less human than I'd believed before.
"What's the matter, little one?" the lady said, her voice coming out high and raspy. Through the briefness of her opened mouth that was now twisted into a smile, I could see rows of rotted teeth, all jagged and mis-shaped. Her hot breath smelled like onions and sweat.
She stepped closer and I was helpless to do anything about it, a victim trapped in a prison of flesh that remained unmoving. She reached out her hand and I felt her sharp fingernails like claws digging into my shoulder blades and drawing blood. That's when I was finally able to scream.
I was back at the subway station, still sitting. I patted the bench beneath me and felt the cold metal brush against my fingers. I was okay. But I still felt a pressure on my shoulder, like someone was touching me. I looked around but there was no one in front of me. I turned my head to look around, only to find my gaze fixed on a shadow of someone standing behind me. Slowly, I looked up and nearly jumped out of my skin. It was that same woman. That same ragged hair, that same twisted smile. Her eyes were locked on mine like she was trying to put me in a trance.
I tried to fight her off, tried to stand, but her grip on my shoulder was too tight.
"Don't resist now, dear boy," she said in her cold, raspy voice. "Save your energy for tomorrow... You're going to need it."
Everything around me vanished, leaving me in a void of total darkness. The woman was gone.
I was stood up, realizing I was no longer sitting on the bench. The familiar sounds and smells from the subway were all gone. As a matter of fact, everything was gone. It's like I was in a room of pure nothingness.
I began to feel panicked, longing for an escape.
"Where am I?!" I shouted. "Hello?!"
There was only silence. Not even the echoes of my shouts answered me back.
"You can't keep me in here forever, you know!" I shouted. "I'll find a way out! And when I do, you'll be sorry!"
Laughter suddenly rang through my ears, loud enough that even covering them didn't ease any pain.
"You aren't going anywhere!" the familiar raspy voice echoed, as if it was coming from differing directions around me. "At least not until tomorrow..."
"But... what's tomorrow?" I asked. Silence.
"Come on, what happens tomorrow?" I demanded.
"Hello?!"
Still, only silence followed. The silence that was growing more deafening. The silence that was making my ears ring. The silence that was growing too unbearable to exist in. But what choice did I have? What other choice than to wait until this twisted creature lets me out of my cage of eternal darkness...
I breathed an exhausted sigh as I sat down on the bench on the far wall of the subway station. The seat felt cold, almost making me question if I sat in something wet. But after the exhausting day I've had, I couldn't care less. The air smelled of cigarette smoke, body odor, and cheap cologne. The smell wasn't quite so pungent today. There are some days where the smell almost burns your eyes just to exist around.
As I waited for the train, my brain was about ready to check out for the day. There wasn't much to keep my brain occupied enough to keep me mentally intact. I could feel myself starting to zone out. The world around me had vanished almost completely. In its place was my childhood bedroom, my toys scattered about the floor. I could feel myself reaching for one when I heard a voice behind me. It was my mom. She was furious.
"Why are you like this?!" she cried as she gathered my things in her arms with a swiftness that could only be described as enraged. I wanted to cry and tell her I was sorry for the mess but she didn't care. "I look away for 10 minutes and you already trashed your room," she shouted. "I can't even trust you to be alone for two damn seconds!"
At this point, tears were rolling down my cheeks. She had a bunch of my toys gathered and was about to throw them back in the toy chest but stopped short. "What's the point," she said softly, disappointment and a hint of sadness in her voice. "As soon as I clean all this up you're going to do the exact same thing."
"I won't!" I wanted to shout, but I was too young at the time. "I'll keep it clean for you, I promise!"
She sighed and walked out of the room, my toys in her hands.
I followed her close behind, crying as I did. I followed her to her bedroom, where she found an empty cardboard box and dropped the toys inside.
"You can have these back when you learn to behave!" she shouted. "Now go to your room and clean the rest of it! I better not see anything else on that floor when I go back in there!"
With tears welling in my eyes, I made my way back to my room, crying and moaning loudly as I did so. I gathered up my toys and one by one, put them all back in my toy chest. It looked so empty...
I felt a presence in the room with me and turned to face the bedroom door, believing it to be my mom.
There, standing before me was a middle-aged woman I didn't recognize. Her hair was matted and messy, as if she hadn't had a shower in weeks. Her clothes looked tattered with patches of dirt scattered about. Who was this woman and how did she get in my bedroom?!
I tried to cry out for my mom but no sound could escape my lips. It was like a nightmare where I was trapped inside my own body, unable to move or hide or scream. My heart pounded against my chest as the woman stepped closer, a crazed look in her eye, like she was wielding a knife and getting ready to strike.
I tried to back away, tried to shout again, but was unable to do anything but watch with intense fear in my eyes. And the closer she stepped the more horrifying her face became, twisting into something that looked far less human than I'd believed before.
"What's the matter, little one?" the lady said, her voice coming out high and raspy. Through the briefness of her opened mouth that was now twisted into a smile, I could see rows of rotted teeth, all jagged and mis-shaped. Her hot breath smelled like onions and sweat.
She stepped closer and I was helpless to do anything about it, a victim trapped in a prison of flesh that remained unmoving. She reached out her hand and I felt her sharp fingernails like claws digging into my shoulder blades and drawing blood. That's when I was finally able to scream.
I was back at the subway station, still sitting. I patted the bench beneath me and felt the cold metal brush against my fingers. I was okay. But I still felt a pressure on my shoulder, like someone was touching me. I looked around but there was no one in front of me. I turned my head to look around, only to find my gaze fixed on a shadow of someone standing behind me. Slowly, I looked up and nearly jumped out of my skin. It was that same woman. That same ragged hair, that same twisted smile. Her eyes were locked on mine like she was trying to put me in a trance.
I tried to fight her off, tried to stand, but her grip on my shoulder was too tight.
"Don't resist now, dear boy," she said in her cold, raspy voice. "Save your energy for tomorrow... You're going to need it."
Everything around me vanished, leaving me in a void of total darkness. The woman was gone.
I was stood up, realizing I was no longer sitting on the bench. The familiar sounds and smells from the subway were all gone. As a matter of fact, everything was gone. It's like I was in a room of pure nothingness.
I began to feel panicked, longing for an escape.
"Where am I?!" I shouted. "Hello?!"
There was only silence. Not even the echoes of my shouts answered me back.
"You can't keep me in here forever, you know!" I shouted. "I'll find a way out! And when I do, you'll be sorry!"
Laughter suddenly rang through my ears, loud enough that even covering them didn't ease any pain.
"You aren't going anywhere!" the familiar raspy voice echoed, as if it was coming from differing directions around me. "At least not until tomorrow..."
"But... what's tomorrow?" I asked. Silence.
"Come on, what happens tomorrow?" I demanded.
"Hello?!"
Still, only silence followed. The silence that was growing more deafening. The silence that was making my ears ring. The silence that was growing too unbearable to exist in. But what choice did I have? What other choice than to wait until this twisted creature lets me out of my cage of eternal darkness...
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